Polygamy: The Never Ending Saga (Part 1)

5:17 PM

 I met a friend of mine, a friend I haven't met in quite a long time in a hypermarket. She seemed different; super happy, cheerful and glowing, which is totally the opposite of how she usually looks like. She mostly is a grumpy, slouchy person with a fair share of shabby looking clothes, short abbaya over them and the old fashioned long sheila that reaches your knees. But this time around she looked absolutely different, she was beautiful, had decent good looking make up on her face and was fashionably in fashion with the latest Hanayen abbaya & sheila and the newest Celine bag to hit the market. I didn't recognize her if it weren't for her calling out for my name.  After the long ritual of saying hello along with the usual kisses on the cheeks greeting, the conversation went a lil’ bit like this:

- Flana, oh wow mashallah you look totally different
I know right, I knooowwww
- Akeed for sure it’s good news yallah tell me
Well Rummy, I just recently got engaged
- Alf alf mabrook 7abibti 
*another round of kissing the cheeks and hugging*
- So who’s the lucky guy Flana?
- Yallah c'mon tell me
Okay, I'll tell you. It’s Flan, remember the one I asked you about a while ago?
- Flan bin flan? The one who lives in so and so place? And works for so and so
Yes, why do you seem shocked
- No nothing but mashallah, you settled to become the second wife?
What? No he’s divorcing his wife
- Oh really? I didn’t know that
*awkward silence*
- Yallah I’ll see you soon
- Bubye

It’s not the very first time I have a friend who gets to be the second wife, but they all have very different circumstances until they ended up being the second wife. But my message here is until when are we going to believe these stories? He loves you but he’s married bes sub7anallah out of nowhere he’s soon to divorce his wife, which never seems to materialize. And in the end, you remain the second wife who is hated by the first wife, and end up hating everything about your life and so forth. Ya3ni leen meta inshallah?

If you knew the guy was married from the beginning why would you approach him? Grow up a little and just reject all his advances. Being in such a relationship is just too complicated and I don’t think anyone willingly would want to put themselves in such a situation with so much emotional baggage to deal with.

I know I am not the one to preach on what you should do and what you shouldn’t but don’t you think you deserve better? Don’t you think that life revolves more than being cursed every single moment by the first wife and her family? Would you agree to that had you been in her shoes? Just think a little, that’s all I’m asking. Life doesn’t end if you don’t get married, it’s just one experience out of the many you opt for yourself. Just think about it. 

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  1. I would never settle for being the second wife or my husband having a second one. I know people keep saying it changes when there are kids in the picture and your kids reputation of being from divorced parents and so on, but no I will not go for something like that even if I end up being alone with my kids. I'll make sure I don't rely on a man and have my own income so that if he decides to do something like that I'll be ready to leave without hesitation

  2. I rejected my husband's proposals because he was already married. He was an upfront guy, and said he would never get divorced and loved his wife but life went like this ect. . I said, if your wife is okay with it, then sure. So, I met her. And we are friends. And I really value her as my sister and friend, even when both our families curse us out;). So I don't think you can generalize.

    But any woman who WANTS a man to divorce his wife, shouldn't AGREE to marry him. In Islam it is forbidden for a man to divorce a woman just to marry another, ya Allah. May Allah guide the unguided men and women in regards to marriage. Polygamy isn't for such people. And women can remember that the highest women in Islam, Mariam, never married at all, sooooo marriage isn't the be all end all.

    The important thing is finding a good man. If he's good, he isn't going to divorce his wife (or even claim to) to take another. He's not going to pretend his feelings are unfairly dealt out to win someone whose feeling desperate. He's not gonna hide marrying again from his wife ect.. Maybe he could never handle this.

    But I do want to say, we both love our husband, and there are some men who can and are utter honest hardworking sweethearts.

  3. @OPNO: That's why I mentioned in my post that each person has there own circumstances that made them accept being the second wife. I did not generalize to include every woman out there but I was targeting those who actually believe that the husband is going to divorce the wife so he can be with her.

    This polygamy story doesn't end here that's why it's just part one from the various stories out there. A follow up post is on the way!

  4. @Maria: I'm going to be writing a whole post on my view on that which is similar to your way of approaching it.

  5. Good post...I don't think I could share my husband with anyone...I would go insane with jealousy ;)...cheers

  6. I know you didn't generalize.

    But the example you're speaking of... Women like that make me so mad. Honestly, they're the reason people give us in our situation so MUCH trouble.

    We know our husband is great and we're happy but I Do see husbands who are {asses---not better word applies} and marry selfishly just younger versions of their first wife and ignore her and hide and lie about it.

    And the second wives who manipulate to get treated with more.

    GRRR!!! There's a second wife in my village who if I am ever invited to her house, I swear I am going to pull out all her hair. She takes all the money of her husband and has a big house he paid for while his first wife rents (and pays her own rent) and everyone knows it is not something she ever agreed to. Cases like that aren't Islamic. I don't get why people can say "Islam gives men the right {which I agree with} but then TOTALLY disregard how the Prophet Mohammed went about it {how it was an example}.

    Did HE keep a marriage secret beforehand from his other wives? NO. The only time they may not have known was if he was far away (like with Saffiyah R.A.). And nowadays, we hAVE PHONES, so that can't be a reason for not being upfront.

    Did he marry a tonne of virgins? No. He married divorcees, and widows. And were they all beautiful? Nope. Two of them were consider quite ugly to the men of the time period but had beautiful characters.

    So men need to examine "the sunnah" of the practice and its purpose in Islam.

    And women need to examine the rights of the other woman before accepting. If you wouldn't want such done to you... don't do it to another person.

    If a marriage is not fair, and is not announced publically (that means to the other wife in this modern age) it isn't valid according to the sunnah (who cares what the scholars can twist into the favour of men here). Why don't we have fear enough of God to keep that in mind when marrying my sisters???????


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